Posts Tagged ‘silliness’

2018, A Year in Silliness

Posted: January 3, 2019 in Blog
Tags: , ,

A couple of years ago, I did a blog post that was just a collection of silly social media posts that I had put up in the previous year. People enjoyed it and I enjoyed doing it, so I decided we needed a repeat performance. I hope it brings you a few chuckles. It certainly did for me.

I notice on some of the dog groups I belong to that people often give their dog a voice using baby talk. After I noticed that, I realized that if I were to “voice” Mylo, she would sound like an indignant Dame Maggie Smith. And Chip would sound like Gomer Pyle.

I always feel thinner when I take the trash out.
Admit it. You do too.

Step one. Make a Roo. Ok. But what does this have to do with making a cheese sauce?

Roo

 

The 2018 goal (cuz it’s not a resolution): To try to find the humor in more things.
You have been warned.

I’m trying a new technique for bonding with the dogs. Every time they get up to go into the kitchen, I follow them. So far, it’s working very well.

The nice man at Home Depot just showed me how to change out electrical outlets and light switches. I can’t wait to blow my eyebrows off!

The highlight of today- I was visiting a friend’s house and I put hand lotion on my alligator paws while I was in the bathroom. Then I realized I was unable to turn the doorknob and was stuck in the bathroom. I knocked on the inside of the door and started calling, “Kellie? Jules? Brittney? Crystal? Can someone open the door? Let me out?” No one answered, so I called Kellie’s cell. Around then, my hosts and their friends started looking for me but I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t even answer the first time they called for me.
Yeah. And I’m going to change light switches and electrical outlets. As soon as I figure out how doorknobs work!

Best conversation this week–

Karol: “I bought a copy of the Stonewall documentary to show the kids at group but someone stole it when it was delivered. Can you believe someone would steal a movie right from the front of my house?”

Me: “Can you imagine the surprise of the person who stole it? They probably thought they were walking away with a porn flick with lesbians in giant hair and nails like manicured daggers waiting for whatever delivery guy with bad 70s jazz playing in the background, and they got a documentary about the queers throwing molotov cocktails in Greenwich Village!”

I woke up at 4 a.m. mumbling, “Thank you for being here. The sign-in table is just over there.” Do I even have to tell you that those lazy bones dogs did not get up and sign in?

While watching the winter Olympics–Yeah. Watch me do a triple-triple. In my house, that’s when I trip over all three of my feet and knock three things off the counter on the way to the kitchen.

How I see myself as a social work advocate. grizzly

How I suspect others see me as a social work advocate.

muppet bear

Children, gather round. It is now time for Uncle Nando’s annual tradition of buying and planting something in the berry family….blue or rasp…so I can forget where I put it and mow over the teeny sticks in June.

Things that make me go hmmmm at 3 am…If a reporter from only one newspaper shows up at an event, is he considered a member of the medium?

I don’t know if it was meant to, but all of this talk of bracket busting inspired me so I tore some curtains down.

Chip has a nice smile–kind of like a game show host. I think he might be the Chuck Barris of doggy daytime TV.

My aquatic prowess is impressive. I move like a manatee with a hangover.”

Lindsey Vonn tore her ACL and now she’s in her 6th Olympics competition. I tore my ACL and now stairs frighten me. Go figure.

Creeping Charlie would be more aptly named Running The Hell All Over the Place Charlie.

It’s Lesbian Day of Visibility 2018. If I get anymore visible, NASA will be able to view me from space.

While presenting at the PADS staff meeting today–
Carolyn: “And please don’t hesitate to interrupt us and ask us questions. Even just half questions that you’re still working on how to word. Don’t worry about embarrassing yourself. What is said here, stays here.”
Me: “I’m going to come at this from a point of view I learned from my sister-in-law. There are no strangers, only friends I haven’t met yet. And since we’re all friends, I’m planning to go out of my way to embarrass myself.”

Went to see the new Candice Bergen, Jane Fonda, Diane Keaton, Mary Steenburgen movie. Afterward, folks were choosing which characters they related to. We had two Candice Bergens, one Jane Fonda, one Mary Steenburgen. Then someone asked me which character I would be.
“Unfortunately in THAT line up, I am Dr. Derrick–the man from The Princess Bride.”

Sometimes I like to tell Chip about the day he found me, lost and wandering around Tails Humane Society, and he took me to the desk and paid them all of the milkbones he had in his pockets to keep me and then I was his person. He likes that bedtime story.

Urban legend research:
June 26, 1963
It is rumored that JFK’s best cold war speech, given his pronunciation and his accent, was a declaration that he was, in fact, a jelly doughnut. And apparently proud of it.
This tickles me. Stories conflict about whether he really said it, but even the idea tickles me.

On the phone, trying to refill Chip’s insulin syringe prescription.
Very polite automated system: “Sorry. This phone number is not associated with that prescription number.”
Really? Has he been calling in the refills himself on a different line for three years?

Indiana Jones movies…the reason I was confused as a young queerling. It’s Pride month, y’all!

It’s possible that the agency you work for is just too gay when a board member mentions starting an event with a champagne toast and one of the staff says, “Champagne Toast! Yassssss! That’s my new drag name!”

“Tell me the story about the day when I was only half a dog high and you took me to that little visiting room and I climbed up on you and fell asleep and you knew you were my person???”35082691_10213910996362563_4734562726368509952_o (1)

Youth Outlook’s 20th anniversary is coming up quickly so I am already figuring out what to wear. It’s formal this year. So I have decided on a black table skirt, tube socks, green stilettos (to go with our theme) and, of course(so I don’t hurt myself), Yak Tracks.

I’ve often thought that Mylo is smarter than I am. In the meantime, Chip is out in the yard, eating dirt. We’re a well-rounded family.

Jurassic World…I don’t think I’ve ever been more distressed over an imaginary brontosaurus during a volcanic eruption that never happened on an island that does not exist.

Great cloud formations on the drive home! I saw a unicorn, the dude who claps the coconuts in Search for the Holy Grail, one of the M&M guys, and Timon and Pumba.

Youth Outlook volunteer: “Nance, I can’t do that meeting ’cause I have concert tickets.”
Me: “Oh, ok. Who’s playing?”
Youth Outlook volunteer: “Jimmy Eat World.”
Me: “That’ll be fun!”
Pause.
Youth Outlook volunteer: “Uhhh…you actually know who that is?”
Me: “Yep, I play their 45s on my old phonograph with the crank handle.”
Don’t mess with me, son. I invented being a smart ass.

A new definition for faceturbating. (Did you know there was an old definition?)
Anyway.
Faceturbating: [FAYS-ter-bayting]
noun; the practice of trolling people you do not know on social media (usually the friend of a friend) by posing what appears to be a valid question so that you can them how wrong they are when they answer and start an argument

Verb; the act of getting off on telling people you do not know how wrong they are with the intention of starting an argument

Variation— Faceturbator: noun; a person who engages in Faceturbating

Today it was mansplained to me that I’m a little bit crazy for thinking that Roe v Wade could be overturned and that Stormy Daniels might not go away easily, potentially putting her at risk of further arrest, harassment or even injury. After 32 years in the mental health field, thank god there was a man to tell me what I think on social issues.

Me: “I think I broke the lawnmower. It doesn’t self-propel anymore. It just me-propels.”
Brian: “Let me take a look.”
I am so in awe of the rare species Humanamus Fixemupalus!

I spent the night tearing up old socks to make bandages for the Second Civil War and then some smart ass handed me a bottle of Liquid Bandage.

I tried this outfit today but it was so hot, the grapes turned into raisins.carmen miranda

The portajohns on 88 have all blown over. Now THERE’s a job no one is going to want.

My friend Andrea’s dog, Finn, goes to the library and lets little kids read to him and might be an extra in a movie.
Chip dug a crater in the back yard and ate a bee.
I’m so proud.

There’s a box with a unicorn head poking out of it in my garage. Every time I park, I feel like I’m in a queer version of The Godfather.

I bought some cedar blocks to leave in my dresser drawer because I like them. Now I’m being followed by three homeless gerbils who think I smell familiar. If you see me today, try to avoid mentioning it.

Attention, Walmart shoppers. There is a dog wearing Buddy Holly sunglasses panhandling at the parking lot entrance. I repeat. Dog. Buddy Holly sunglasses. Panhandling. That is all.
Really…that was quite enough!

Watched an infomercial with the sound off. If I understood correctly, if I buy THAT product right now (!), I can look like Cindy Crawford at 53. Or a cantaloupe. I’m not sure. They kept showing me both. Since I didn’t look like Cindy Crawford in my 20s, I doubt I can look like her now. Therefore, Cindy Crawford is trying to sell me something to make me look like a cantaloupe.

Some of my friends are such good allies to the LGBT community, I forget sometimes that they aren’t LGBT themselves. They’re not queer. They’re close to everything queer but they don’t live here. They’re the suburbs of Queer.

Put my spex on and they broke in half. I now have two monocles with ear pieces. It’s a very distinguished look.

I’ll need a quart of pumpkin spice gasoline for the lawn mower. I get confused at this time of year…

Kurt: “Are you going to complete the outfit with a petite clutch?
Me: “The only petite clutch I understand is the one next to the brake.

The good news! I figured out how to commune with my spirit animal.
The bad news! He bites.

I haven’t gone shopping yet this week so I ran out of bread. Crouton sandwiches are about the cutest little things I ever did see.

I took the juicer out to tinker with a recipe. My observation for today–there is a reason we cannot just buy banana juice.

I ordered some of that Crepe Erase. Now I got a pile o’ nekkid bananas and Nutella on my plate. Damn infomercials.

I’m writing a musical about my life and I’m calling it Forklift Driver’s Gender Neutral Offspring.
I’ve already invited Sissy Spacek to direct.

I reprogrammed the Roomba for long-distance travel. I arrive in Naperville in about 3 days. See you there!

What is this alleged almond bark you speak of? I’ve never heard them make a sound.

I mixed up the Static Guard with a can of lemon Pledge. I’m still a little static-y but my polar fleece jacket is fabulously shiny and lemony fresh.

Being a child of the 70s prepared me for the world in unique ways. For example, I usually carry a books of matches, a bobby pin and a deck of cards in case someone unexpectedly wants to make a deal. I keep an eye out so I ALWAYS know where the beef is. I know who shot JR and I’m ready to talk. And my car is completely outfitted in the event that some stranger pulls up alongside me at an intersection and says, “Excuse me, Sir. Do you happen to have any grey poop on?” We can talk later about this tendency people have to call me Sir all the time.

I finally finished the make-over on the guest room. For those of us who journeyed through long coming out processes in the 70s and 80s, these rooms are also occasionally called the “dummy bedroom” where the “roommate” sleeps, with whom we are “just friends”. I’ve decided to keep that term even though I live alone, in an effort to convince me that I’m friends with myself. Closet humor. It’s been a long time!

Wishing you a year of much laughter and silliness~

41608655_10214563570756515_4471285921227997184_n

 

2016, A Year of Silliness

Posted: February 19, 2017 in Blog
Tags: , ,

My Facebook friends often comment on the humor in my posts. Who could not use a little humor? So I sat down today and pulled the most responded-to, most Erma Bombeck-inspired posts from 2016. I hope they will make you smile.

“Your Facebook posts are so funny. And I’m learning there’s a predictable group of people who respond to you.”
Me: “Yes. That’s my cast of characters.”
Y’all know who you are–and you ARE characters!

Gated Chip in the kitchen. Turned on Adele’s Hello (from the other side). He does not appear nearly as amused as I am.

I need a paraffin dip. Okay, tell the truth. Who’s surprised that I know what that is? (I did go to culinary school, ya know!)

We’ve all known for some time that I live in my own world. Now, apparently, I’ve also lost my grip on it!

mug

I ransacked the kitchen to find Gorilla Glue to fix the broken handle of my favorite coffee mug. All I found was a bottle of OFF from last summer. I don’t need OFF. The handle is already OFF. I need some ON.

Me: “WHAT are you doing?”
Deb from the other room: “What? Why?”
Me: “What is this tippy tippy toe–CRASH, tippy tippy toe, CRASH?”
Deb: “Oh. Sorry. I’ll stop.”
Me: “The tippy tippy toe part or the crash part?”
Deb: “Guess you’ll find out.”
How does this help me?

Deb: “Why did you turn the burner off under this pan?”
Me: “Because it was smoking.” Pause. “And I’m not wearing my smoking jacket.”
Silence.
Me: “Why do you ask me these things? Admit it–you like these answers!”

While checking on a drink mix from the fridge, to see if it’s ok. Smells ok. Has alcohol in it, so I’m assuming it’s ok. I pour a little into a cup to taste it.
Deb: “You’re not drinking THAT, are you?”
Me, trying sound appalled: “No! Of course I’m not drinking THAT! Are you crazy?” Sip. Sip.
Deb, peeking over my shoulder, “Well, what ARE you drinking?”
Me, very innocently, “THAT.”
After this, she didn’t seem to have much interest in conversing with me.

Ok. I admit it. I am afraid of things that go Trump in the night.

Rut ro! Letterman accused Trump of pandering. I love that term. Pandering. Here’s two panders right now.

panders

 

“While you’re at Trader Joe’s, pick up those coconut things in the nut section.”    Me: “Usually, wherever I’m standing IS the nut section.”
Pause.
Kate: “You have a point there.”

Deb: “So when you saw Jesus driving up the street yesterday, what was he driving?”      Me: “A VW Jetta. Not what I pictured.”     Deb: “What did you picture?”    Me: “That he’d be driving a VW micro-bus and smoking weed.”     Deb: “Yeah. He’d need at least the micro-bus to drive around with his undisclosed number of Apostrophes.”     Indeed.

Deb: “I have to practice this presentation in my office, so if you hear me talking to myself…”
Me: “It’s cute that you think I’d be able to tell the difference between that and any other day.”
Loud sigh from the other room. My work here is done.

My next retirement plan: create a mental health non-crisis center. If people are already having a crisis, why should they come in for a second one? I think coming in to a non-crisis center is much more appealing.

While getting my hair cut:
Jen, putting her glasses on: “Here…have a seat…I got my glasses all nice and clear…crystal clear…so I can make sure all of your hair is perfect.”
Me: “Good. How’s my hat?”
Jen: “Oh. You’re wearing a hat?”
Words of wisdom from my sister:
“Sometimes ya just gotta focus on the one bright spot in your day. For YOU, it’s this phone call with me right now.”

And now, if you would all join me for a special musical TBT moment….Whitney Houston’s popular 80’s tune that became the smash lesbian theme song–Climb Every Woman.

Adele lyrics misheard:
I miss you when the lights go out, it illuminates all my doubts
Pull me in, hold me tight
Don’t let go, baby, give me…lice???
Hey, Adele? No. Just no.

From that chapter in my life When Butches Cook….while rifling through the freezer…I know I just bought a bag of raspberries. What did I do with them? Oh yes. I filed them alphabetically on the freezer door downstairs. Right next to the paintbrush!

The question of paint samples–if I put this new color on the wall and I like, does that commit me to painting the whole wall that color? And if I don’t like it, am I committed to painting the whole wall with the old color to cover it up? I believe this paint commitment question may be a form of home-ophobia, the fear of home ownership.

After a week of rain, everyone mowed today. The whole street has that scalped, 1950’s-Dad’s-practice-run-with-the-clippers-on-the-first-unfortunate-kid-who-wandered-by look.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, there’s a bug version of Criminal Minds playing out and investigators are standing over dismembered centipedes saying, “Given this level of overkill, this is clearly the work of a centipeda-cidal maniac.” Yes. Arrest me now.

Dear Shriners, I would be tempted to buy one of those bags of onions if you promised that every onion was wearing its own tiny little fez cause that would be too precious.

Dropped Chip’s insulin and broke the bottle. Asking him to lie down in the puddle and roll around in it is just not having the same effect as actually putting it in his skin.

From my Salvation Army Shelter days. Me, on the non-emergency line for the Syracuse police: “The Adirondack rocking chairs were stolen off the front porch.” Police dispatcher: “Did you get a description of the person who took them?” Me, slowly: “Yyyyyeahh…he was the guy walking down Kirk Ave with two Adirondack rocking chairs. Hard to miss.”
I was so under-appreciated during that phone call.

 

At the trans health conference. For the last 3 days, I have shared gender neutral restrooms with male-identified people, female-identified people, trans-masculine people, trans-feminine people, gender queer people, gender neutral people, gender fluid people, gender fucking people, and non-binary people. Ya know what happened in those bathrooms? People peed. Washed their hands. Checked their hair. Straightened their clothing. I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it?

Considering seal coating the driveway. The seals cannot be reached for comment.

I have Poptart crumbs in my baseball cap. Seriously. No, that’s not a euphemism.

Working on a script for a new TV show based on my culinary school adventures, Game of Scones.

I told the cat about writing Game of Scones.

seamus-laughing

 

Chip sports a bone shaped tag that says he is diabetic. He hasn’t gotten lost so anyone would need to know, but it has made several bartenders stop questioning if he’d been over-served. No, he’s always like that.

Trimmed the evergreens this morning. Thought I got them all nice and even until I was backing down the driveway and noticed a tall, spiky piece that I missed, on the back center of each shrub. Yes! I have a line up of Alfalfas in front of the house now.

The best line of the day–while coming out of having lunch. My friend Susan: “Well, lunch with you did not disappoint AND my Depends worked perfectly!”
Glad to hear it!

Left the laundry on the line a little too long the other day and picked up a couple of hitchhiking June bugs. “Excuse me, sir. Is that a June bug making your pants buzz or are you just happy to see me?”

Bought new basil plants. Accidentally dropped them in my bike helmet when I got in the car. Well. That’ll be interesting. Maybe I’ll smell better or repel mosquitoes naturally!

“Wow. I can’t remember the last time I had a beer in a can. This must be what my father felt like while he was drinking….at a lesbian concert. Cause you know he did.”
Giggles all around!

The difference between having a dog and having a cat: When the dog is in the way, you look down and say, “Move over.” And he wags his tail, smiles at you for talking to him, then he gets up and moves three inches to the side so he can still be close to you. When the cat is in the way, you look down and say, “Move over,” and he looks you right in the eye, lays his ears back, attaches himself to the carpet with his claws like a kitty shaped barnacle and bites you when you try to pick him up.

Today’s observation, hanging out with another social work foodie. “Empaths are the tofu of the emotional world.”
Was there ever any question?

Ahem. me-me-me-me-me…”Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody wang chung tonight…” I suspect some of you will be better at that than others.

As a kid growing up in the 80s, it’s entirely possible that my view of physical attractiveness was skewed by a single movie. I have now lost track of how many women I have poured a bucket of water on and not only didn’t any of them look like Jennifer Beals when I was done, some of them got really annoyed.

Deb, peeking under the sink: “How come there’s no oven cleaner and four cans of bug spray?”
Me: “Hey–it was a rough spring. Lots of bugs! Big ones! I came home one day and there were several bugs cleaning the oven. They must have used up the oven cleaner.”
Aaaaand silence.

Just imagine my surprise when I yelled, “Expecto Patronum,” earlier this week and my patronus turned out to be Cloris Leachman on Dancing with the Stars!

Best one-liner of the week. While talking to the office manager at the Unitarian Church, I reached into my pocket and found a roll of doggy clean up bags I didn’t know I was carrying. I extended them to Sheri.
“Dog bag?”
She didn’t miss a beat. “No thanks. I’m trying to quit.”
When we both couldn’t talk because we were laughing too hard, it was time for me to leave.
Well played, Sheri!

Things that make me go hmmm at 3 am. In the big Monopoly game of life, what if I really AM the shoe?

I tried a new process for laundry this weekend, but every time I opened the dryer door and the Sorting Hat shouted, “Gryffindor!”, it scared me.

The best part of my BFF explaining Pokemon to me–
Me, looking intently at her phone screen: “And why can’t you do that?”
Kate, patiently: “Cause I don’t have enough balls.”
Pause.
Me: “Now there’s a sentence that I’ve never used to describe you.”

The good news: I figured out what my spirit animal is.
The bad news: I think it’s rabid.

This was the best thing I got to say last night:   “We will NOT stand by while walls are built. We have been doing this almost twenty years. Youth Outlook has already raised an entire generation of young people who will dismantle that wall, repurpose into a place where we can go for brunch and fly a rainbow flag off the top of it!”

I’ve noticed several posts from friends about “Don’t skip leg day in your routine” recently. Until today I wasn’t sure how to go about sharing my morning routine with my legs, but now that I have poured coffee in my pockets, I think I have it figured out and I appreciate your support.

Found myself whispering to my Keurig this morning, “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.” Don’t judge.

As a career, social work is messy. It’s hectic. Anxiety-producing. Sometimes you don’t have time for lunch or even to run to the restroom. It’s painful. People you care about hurt. You might hurt. You will have days when you can barely breathe through sadness. You will also feel joy. And connection. And pride. And passion. Then you’ll realize you still have to pee and you’re hungry.
Welcome to social work!

I was just telling my friend Rick that I am a big Penzey’s fan and I used to tour with the Spice Girls. They called me Testy Spice. I got separated from my group. I miss those wild kids. My seat mate on the tour bus was a former PE teacher. We called her Old Spice.

(Thanksgiving morning.) For my first act this morning, I dropped a five lb container of flour, causing it to explode in a dust cloud as I stood there, unable to see through the layer on my glasses with three Black Labs blinking rapidly at me, all of whom looked like they had put their foundation on wrong. It’s gonna be a good day!

I didn’t like the look of the turkey once I poked the first hole in the skin to get a temperature on it but once I slapped that fentanyl patch over it to hide the mark…wow…the guests never even noticed…and now that they’re all awake again, they’ve been only complimentary!

Mixed up the test strips from Petco and Ancestry.com. Apparently Mylo is all Irish and I’m one-quarter wiener dog.

Planning a rewrite of Broadways musicals using an all reptilian cast. Starting with Sweeney Toad.
C’mon. You saw that coming, right?

Shoulda known something was up when I wanted an Easy Bake Oven not to make brownies but to make my first Napoleon. My father promptly brought me a very short man with a funny hat and asked if that would suffice. He was good like that.

Me, singing at work in NY: “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve been…”
Sue: “You mean *seen*.”
Me: “No, not really.”

Coming out of the Godiva Chocolate store–
Karen: “I couldn’t tell which one was your truffle.”
Me: “Oh, don’t worry, I can tell.”
Karen: “It’s easier now, yours is the one with the teeth marks on it!”

Wishing you much laughter and silliness~

silliness